Queen mother

If the queen ever has a baby, these are the things someone must remind me to do:
1. Become obsessed with the baby's binkie and stick it in my every available bodily orifice (ears, nose, my own mouth, down my pants) immediately before "helping" by putting it in the baby's mouth.
2. Race into the quiet place she has designed for nursing (this will be especially relevant if the baby is a distractible or otherwise poor nurser) and then loudly describing my every move while simultaneously shoving the baby out of the way and trying to climb on her lap.
3. Climb into the crib with the sleeping baby and then proclaim joyfully, "Baby's awake! He opens eyes!"
4. Insist upon walking right in that mama blindspot in front of her knees and under the baby so mother and child are at constant risk of tumbling ass over applecarts.
5. Lick the baby, usually on the head or feet.
6. Refuse to allow a single bath or diaper change to occur without my "help".
7. Go to the bathroom and ask sweetly, "you wanna see my poopy?" just when she sits down to pump.
9. Insist that she hold and rock me when she has finally managed to extract herself from baby contact for the first time in 8-12 hours. Then proceed to bounce around madly, bopping a big hard head against her poor beleagured boobies.
10. Never, never, never go to sleep quietly or easily, instead wandering the house wailing while baby bedtime rituals are being conducted.
11. Gaze with awe and wonder at the sight of her precious baby, kiss and cuddle him with all the sweetness in the world and pour all of the love of my wild, distractible little self into her tiny beloved child.